$illionaire's $hortbread . . .

“You do know that you can buy that already made for you Pops…”

I reckon that if you’re going to get wet then you may as well go swimming.

Time consuming? Yes.

Calorific? Absolutely.





Nonetheless, the distinctions between this baked good and those that we so hastily buy from our local Starbucks are palpable.
Starbucks bakery -a.k.a - Daylight Robbery.
Perfectly symmetrical Brownies, vast swollen Muffins, identical cookie spheres. Aesthetically pleasing for the O.C.D customers.
Home made is a different kettle of fish altogether. There will be overflows, unevenness, off-cuts, and a general lack of uniform. Different colours, different textures and different shapes.
That is the beauty of it. It is not generic, free from a world of preservatives, a world where a piece of bread within your tin is your only prevention from stale or chewy goods.
So the answer is – Yes, I do know that you can buy it already made for you but I think I’m going to take the long way round, and reap the rewards.

Caramel taking two hours to make does sound a bit excessive, I know. But once it’s in the pot, you hardly touch the thing so I reckon it doesn’t even count as part of the preparation time.
Condensed milk – a thing of wonder- according to the old man anyway. Where the boys in his boarding school would fight over who got to lick the can, spoon, lid, and the lowest ranking would even check the can opener for the chance of some, even a drop of residue of this delectable nectar.

So for the transformation from these old tins of Carnation Condensed milk to a thicker, darker and more condensed, condensed milk. You simply put the tins (unopened) into a BIG pot of water, bring to the boil, cover and turn down to a low simmer and bob’s your uncle, two hours later this sickly sweet thick, well - goo – for lack of a better word.

Whilst waiting on your caramel. Make your $hortbread. You will need

3 Cups Plain Flour
1 ½ Cups Corn Flour
1 ½ Cups Icing Sugar
A Pinch of Salt
500g of Butter

Sift your flours, sugar and salt together. Work your cold cubed butter into your dry mixture until you have got a sandy dough like mixture. Press into a greased Swiss Roll pan and prick all over with a fork. Bake at Gas Mark 3 or 150 Degrees for 45 minutes, reduce heat to 140 Degrees and cook for a further 20 minutes, but check on it cos you want it lightly golden not singed (not to be pedantic or anything).




So now you’ve done two out of your three layers, the rest is pretty much assembling. Pour your condensed goo over your cooled shortbread and refrigerate, whilst you melt your chocolate.
Use whatever you fancy, milk, dark, white, combine two or even three. I normally use plain milk as its generally people’s favourite. It would be nice though to melt a little white, pour it over the milk chocolate, as your top layer and use a toothpick or something to twirl around and make a little pattern. Don’t get that at Starbucks, do ya?
So there we have it, easy as pie.

Obviously, not really the kind of thing you want to do after work, I get it, but on the weekend if you have time or it’s a gift, make them, cut them up and put them in a little tin. Better than Quality Street, well, I reckon so anyway.



















Not wanting to rear off the subject of Condensed Milk … if you’re going to give in to the mission that is making your own caramel goo. Frankly, you may as well just make a Banoffee Pie too. It WILL get eaten…you can bank on it.










So…if you can’t resist making a sneaky Banoff you will need…

2 Packs of Ginger Thins (or if your not so into the ginge you can use 1 pack of butter biscuits and one ginge or just eliminate the ginge completely and use 2 packs of diet unfriendly butter biscuits)
Around ½ Pack of Butter – melted
1 Tin Condensed Milk
1 Pint of Double Cream
A couple of Bananas, sliced and swiped with lemon juice ( brown Banoffee pie – not so pretty)
1 Bar of Flake Chocolate

Whizz up the biccie’s , and stir in the melted butter until you have what will look like wet sand – mmm.
Now line a little flan tin or shallow cake tin with some trusty cling film, using your hands, press the wet sand into the tin base and carefully up the sides until you have your base. Put this in the fridge whilst you do the rest so it hardens up a bit.
So you do the same as with the $illionaire’s $hortbread for your condensed milk and layer that on top of your biscuit base and put it back in the fridge.
Whip your cream, not until its stiff as you don’t want a hard dense topping you want it smooth but just whipped enough that it will hold its shape on the pie. Fold in your banana slices and spread this mixture onto your pie.
Bash your flake about in the wrapper and scatter some of this edible shrapnel on top – just to make it look pretty, Fanny Craddock eat your heart out.

So there we have it – a pretty easy Banoffee Pie – enjoy.